"Their love is gentle and discreet. If it were a plant it would be a fern, light green and feathery and delicate; if a musical instrument, a flute. If a painting it would be a water lily by Monet, one of the more pastel renditions, with its liquid depths, its reflections, its different falls of light."
The Robber Bride
At this time in my life, I am the verge of many edges. I going to graduate soon, and while in the past, I have been hesitant to finish school, I now feel ready. It is time to step out of the familiar and safe world of Gamble and into a paid position where I actually have to be a grown-up. I also feel like I am on the verge of ending a long-term, but unhealthy relationship. I am both excited and afraid of this prospect, but like school, I think I am ready to move on. I am very bad at meeting guys, well not meeting them, but once I meet them I cannot seem to feel comfortable with any type of "romantic talk." I am fine as long as I am the one doing the flirting, but I get scared as soon as the flirting is returned (not too often).
I was thinking about this when we were reading The Robber Bride. One of the characters accepts her flawed relationship, I think, because she feels that it is safe and comfortable. She will not be asked to give anything that she cannot, and so she stays and feels safe. But I wonder if she is really happy and in love, or just comfortable. I guess my concern is that I will die alone, or I will never find anyone I feel comfortable with. Is a light, feathery love enough?
4 comments:
All relationships are flawed; however, being simply flawed and being unhealthy are two different things.
You have to do what's best for you and your fabulous kids and trust that things will work out for the best. I know that sounds a little too sunshine, but I'm a firm believer that if you do the right thing even though it's difficult, things will eventually work out.
You will find the relationship you're looking for, but you have to end other relationships first. I'm sorry things are crazy for you right now. It helps me to think of the future when I get too caught up in the now. A year from now you will have gone over the edge and have started a new life. Things will be different, and things will be better. You are a fabulous woman and you must know that you will come out on top. Take the risk. You don't want to wonder "what if" for the rest of your life.
NO a light feathery love is not enough. It will stunt your growth and hinder becoming who you are supposed to become. It sucks when it is happening, and i can promise you it will feel like the world is ending. It is in a way, but there is a better world for you. If you have to question it, it isn't right. There will be despair, there will be a hollowness, but then there will be light and you will literally feel like a weight has been removed from your shoulders. It happens in a moment and it is terrible and fabulous at the same time. I know you don't believe me and I hate it that you have to feel the pain first, but it is necessary. Man I sound like a bitch, sorry, I don't mean to be. Call me if you need guidance, I am a break-up after hanging on too long expert!!!!
I think that you have made up your mind, but it is hard to take the first step. I know how hard it is to let go of a comfortable relationship. Whenever I break up with someone significant, I always feel like I am in a forest and I can't find my way out. Then, I become reaquainted with my own identity and needs and grow. If you look at these changes as opportunities for growth, you will find the courage you need to take the first step. Good luck. You are so courageous.
Everyone has said so many great things that I feel a little silly for waiting untitl today to comment - I may not have anything good left to say. I will say this- you will never be alone. You have three of the most beautiful, creative, intelligent children I have ever heard of (and I know Lila Jane, mind you), you have us (though slightly lesser) we are friends that love you regardless of any decision you make, man you let come or go, or career you decide on. Things are always mucky in the middle, the end will bring some clarity, and best yet, a new beginning.
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