Failure

For most of my life I have lived in fear of failure. No, as I think of this, that is not true. My teen years were spent doing things that no one else would do. I had no fear of rejection. While my friends waited by the phone for a guy to call them, I was the girl that picked up the phone and called the boy that I wanted to date. I went white water rafting, talked to influential people as if they could never reject me and organized protests against wrongs in my school. When my mom introduced me to her old boyfriend Brooks from high school, who was now a wealthy real estate developer, I told him my plans for life. I respected and admired Brooks because he was a kind man who made great decisions and was, and still is, the most charitable man I have ever met. I will always remember - with much regret - what he said:"I believe you will do that, but much more as well." I don't want you to think that I was superwoman or anything, but I was always, always different from those around me - maybe that is good, and maybe not, but that is how it was for me for as long as I can remember.
My need to live above the rules that everyone else followed lead me to make a lot of mistakes in my life. And after those mistakes, my fear of failure became a major issue in my life. If I could be so wrong about the man I chose to marry and have children with, then how could I trust myself to make good choices for my life? Self-doubt will lead to much hand-wringing, and not a lot of joy in life. Only recently have I been able to get back a touch of my reckless, teenage self - a little late - but maybe not. I am by no means old, but I cannot think of myself alone. Living above the rules has its consequences and I am no longer willing to pay those consequences. I would have three other people paying along with me and that is too high of a price for me. Maybe, with the rest of my life, I can do some of the things that Brooks saw me doing. I stand on the verge of failure - I am terrified at the thought of being a teacher, or at least a good teacher - but I hope that my fear of failure will dissipate in the face of the good I can do in the classroom.